


and you dived too deep

by Authoress



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M, based on one day on twitter, best friend romances are shit, except there is a bit of kiyoyachi bc im so thirsty, few mentions of unimportant pairs, oh no i made myself sad, tanaka pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-11
Updated: 2014-10-11
Packaged: 2018-02-20 18:47:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2439002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Authoress/pseuds/Authoress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The day Noya tells Ryuu to go on ahead is the day it all begins to fall apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and you dived too deep

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sharp_eyed](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharp_eyed/gifts).



> [ **why did this picture happen to me** ](https://twitter.com/KawaBeru5/status/519404797368082432)
> 
>  
> 
> ola mentioned being torn up about one-sided tanaka/noya and i've wanted to write something for her for a while, so this happened. sorry bae please don't hate me ;w;
> 
> please, PLEASE LISTEN TO [**THIS COVER**](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-ifkE5q44Q) IT'S IMPORTANT.

///

_well, you only need the light when it’s burning low_

///

 

There’s a spring in Tanaka’s step today.

A little birdie had told him—if birds had yellow stripes on their heads—that a certain miss Kiyoko-san was delivering some extra kneepads and volleyballs the club had ordered to the gym this morning. Of course, dealing with bulky equipment was not a job for a goddess like Kiyoko-san, whose beauty surpassed all others. And so, being the loyal servants they were, Tanaka and Noya had laid out plans the night before to arrive at the school just in time to assist their lovely manager with the new gear. (Truth be told, they would most likely be rebuffed and passed by—Kiyoko was far stronger and sturdier than she appeared at first glance, and besides that, Yachi practically fell over herself to help Kiyoko-san whenever she could. Still, brutal ignorance was better than not trying at all, right? One of these days…)

Tanaka practically trots over to the rendezvous spot he decided on with Noya last night, over all-caps texts and between the artificial glow of their screens. It’s not directly in front of the school, but a little bit of the way down the road leading to Kiyoko-san’s place, hidden around a corner so that he and Noya could pretend to be “just walking by” before they offer their generous assistance. It’s foolproof. It’s the best plan they’ve come up with so far. Tanaka wishes Noya was here already so he could give his partner-in-crime a high five.

A slight buzz in Tanaka’s pocket distracts him. He plucks out his phone, a grin already on his face when he sees that it’s a text from Noya.

**From: Yuu**

_hey man i actually have to bail 2day, ur gonna have to go on ahead w/o me_ (´Д｀。) _some stuff came up and its actually rly important!!!!! ANOTHER TIME THO!!! WE WILL WIN KIYOKO-SAMA’S HEART TOGETHER_ (*≧ω<*)人(*ゝω≦*）

Tanaka pouts a little. Well, that sucked. All their hard work and Yuu was going to leave him alone in the cold? It wasn’t nearly as satisfying getting rejected alone as it was when his best bro was with him. Eh, it couldn’t be helped. If Yuu had important things to do, Tanaka could handle this one time on his own. He taps a reply.

**To: Yuu**

_ILL HOLD DOWN THE FORT FOR NOW THEN!!! DONT LEAVE A BRO HANGING NEXT TIME, ALRIUGHT??? how can i be at the top of my game w/o my wingman?!?!!_

**From: Yuu**

_HAHAHAHA I THINK U MEAN U R MYYYYYY WINGMAN!!!_

Tanaka snickers, furiously texting Noya with such concentration, he nearly misses Kiyoko-san as she walks by. When he does remember, he stumbles from the hiding spot in a hurry, so flustered that he can barely stutter out an offer to help their manager. It’s the least cool thing he’s done _ever_ , but on the plus side, Kiyoko-san looks at him with something that might have been pity (or just a particularly long blink), and she accepts his offer, in a way. Tanaka carries Yachi’s load of volleyballs while the younger manager flutters around Kiyoko-san, trying to lighten her burden, but gently refused each time. Tanaka third-wheels the rest of the walk to the gym.

 

///

_only miss the sun when it starts to snow_

///

 

It’s funny, Tanaka thinks. Everyone’s been hooking up lately.

Okay, okay, so that’s not exactly fair of him to say. Tanaka has no actual proof that _all_ of the Karasuno volleyball team members are hooking up with each other, but it sure as hell seems like it, at least.

There’s Daichi-san and Suga-san, first of all, wholly unsurprising. They had led the team through thick and through thin with such an impossible bond of partnership Tanaka often felt bad for Asahi-san, left behind. They were the only “official” couple of the team—despite other suspects—and their relationship had the kind of routine harmony that just faded from the front of the other members’ minds when Daichi-san and Suga-san were together. Even the gross hand-holding and occasional peck on the cheek felt like a part of the usual practice. (The second-years had joked about them being a married couple ever since they made the team, anyway.)

Then there’s Kageyama and Hinata, the great anomaly of the team. Did they want to kill each other or screw each other? That one was up for debate. But considering the fact that Kageyama walked Hinata part of the way home, nagged him about his diet, and held an abnormal number of study sessions at his house seemed a bit suspect. Hinata, too, blabbed nonstop about the setter and hunted him down during school hours to pester him about something or other. However, since they were as stupid about their own emotions as they were when it came to school, Tanaka was pretty sure nothing would come of it.

Tsukishima and Yamaguchi had a strange something, although Tanaka had been certain it was one-sided until the training camp. Yamaguchi’s dedication to his asshole friend was more than a little over-the-top, but Tsukishima found it in himself to return the favor, every now and then. Waiting for him after practice or handing him a towel…well, for Tsukishima, that spoke volumes. As for the managers, Kiyoko-san always seemed brighter around Yachi, as if her kouhai rejuvenated her and brought back fond memories of her first year. Even Takeda-sensei and Coach Ukai had a warm friendship thanks to Takeda-sensei’s persistence.

Ah, well that left the second-years and Asahi-san to watch in envy. Kinoshita and Narita could find solace in their positions as reserve players, although they pushed each other to improve day after day, immediate close friends. Ennoshita bonded with everyone like a third parent, reliable and amicable to the end but clearly uninterested in romance. Asahi-san had Noya to look after him, ever since they lost to Dateko in their first year, and Tanaka…Tanaka had Noya as a best friend and the other half of his soul.

True, thinking back to his friendship with Noya, Tanaka could almost feel better about being single and taunted by his sister in her own, tough-love way. They were in it for the long haul; pursuing someone as flawless as Kiyoko-san was hard work, but having Noya at his side always brought Tanaka a kind of joy he couldn’t find with anyone else. Noya just _got_ him, and vice versa. Two sides of the same coin, Daichi-san had said once, scolding them and rolling his eyes at their matching grins. Only Taketora could possibly match Noya in similarity of mind to Tanaka. Tora was an important friend of Tanaka’s, of course, but Tokyo was quite far away, and texting could only connect them so much. In Tanaka’s daily life, as in volleyball, Noya always had his back.

It kind of sucked that Noya had been so busy lately, though. With Ennoshita looking into a few universities outside Miyagi and the duo of Kinoshita and Narita tied up in extra credit work to bring up their chemistry grades, Tanaka had thought he would have still had Noya to hang out with on a daily basis. But Noya, too, had to keep backing out of plans with a sheepish smile or one of his trademark emoji-stuffed text messages. It’s not like Tanaka didn’t have other friends to talk to, but being teammates forged a different, stronger connection that one just couldn’t feel until they fought on the same stage as their peers. Worse yet, Noya was purposefully vague about his reasons for skipping out.

“Ah, it’ll be a surprise, Ryuu!” He had said one day, an almost crazed sparkle in his eyes. “You won’t see this one coming!” Tanaka pouted, but let it slide. Noya had been lively in a way Tanaka didn’t entirely recognize, hopeful and confident with a softer, warmer edge to his expression and gestures. He bounced on his toes and flung his hands around when he talked about this ‘surprise’. Tanaka wondered if it was a girl. (Someone reachable, someone who genuinely cared for Noya…it made him feel a little uneasy, like he was falling behind somehow.)

Tanaka comes upon the ‘surprise’—or what it was in its earliest stages—completely by accident. He had taken a short detour to the corner store in the opposite direction from his house in search of meat buns. Practice had been especially brutal that morning—the janitorial staff had to perform the routine floor cleaning and polishing in the gym that afternoon since they couldn’t schedule it at any other time, and as if to make up for the loss, Coach Ukai had drilled them to the point where even Kageyama and Hinata were struggling to keep up. Tanaka was _starved_ , and if the best meat buns were in the wrong direction, he was absolutely going to go get them. He deserved the treat.

Noya had taken off as he usually tended to do when not sticking with the team, so Tanaka hadn’t thought much of his absence. Taking an obnoxiously large bite out of the acquired bun, Tanaka left the store and headed for his own home, lazily glancing at his surroundings. But even if he hadn’t been so observant, he would have heard the rapid _pat pat pat_ of sneakers hitting the pavement. Someone was taking off at full speed. Tanaka looked towards the source of the noise, curious.

Much to his surprise, it was Noya, sprinting with all his might from around the corner of the street just ahead of Tanaka. There was a wicked smile on his face—a look of pure mischief. Tanaka felt that same smile climb onto his own face as he finished the bite of his food, picking up his own pace a little. He was about to call out to Noya when something stopped him.

Noya wasn’t just aimlessly running. He had a target, and that target had a very familiar slight hunch to his shoulders and messy bun from a long day at school…

“Asahi-san!” Noya chirped at the last second, delighted. He launched himself onto Asahi-san’s back, clinging to him tightly while the ace yelped in surprise and flailed a bit. The echoes of Noya’s raucous laughter and Asahi-san’s panicked insistence that Noya release him immediately bounced around the otherwise empty street.

“Shhhh! Noya, you’re going to upset the neighbor—”

“Nah, it’s fine isn’t it, Asahi-san? Should I walk you home again today? Wouldn’t want you to get arrested or anything because of that intimidating face of yours, huh?”

“Really, that was just the once and the nice woman apologized profusely and even made me lunch—”

“Well, see, I’m much louder than you. So no one will be intimidated if you’re showing your meek side around me! Ya know, trying to calm me down and stuff? You’re really good at keeping me in line, Asahi-san!”

“Honestly, I’m not at all…but in all seriousness, Noya, this is pretty out of the way for you, isn’t it? …You’re always looking after me; I don’t want to be a burden.”

Noya’s smile softens in understanding and he drops back onto his feet. There’s an almost tender look about him as he stares up at Asahi-san, bouncing on his heels slightly. “I want to, though,” he murmurs. “You’re not a burden. I like having you rely on me, Asahi-san.”

Asahi-san covers his face in embarrassment, mumbling something that gets Noya all riled up again, laughing and jumping around him. Tanaka finds, strangely enough, that he can’t bring himself to call out to the pair. Rather, he feels much like his senpai—he wants to look away.

 _How uncool_ , Tanaka thinks. _I shouldn’t feel jealous of Asahi-san just because Noya wants to spend a little extra time with him. He’s a third-year…it’s not like we have much time left together. And he’s very close to and very important to Noya, of course they would want to make the most of their time together. He could have just told me, though. It’s not much of a surprise that he’d be hanging out with Asahi-san…it’s not a big deal._

_It’s not a big deal, it’s not a big deal, it’s not a big deal._

(But that image of Noya’s flushed cheeks and giddiness doesn’t leave Tanaka’s thoughts for the rest of the night, nor in the morning at practice, when Suga-san calls him out for being off his game. His eyes were so bright, so excited; Tanaka truly had never seen a Noya like that before. Did Asahi-san really make him that happy? Tanaka turns it over and over like he rolls in his sheets, but the answer eludes him, passing like the autumn breeze and chilling him to his core.

The hurt—uncalled for and foreign in Tanaka’s chest—stays longer than morning practice, sharp at times and dull at others. He doesn’t know why, why, why he feels so sick and so awful, but Tanaka can’t shake the thought that somehow, he’s being replaced.)

 

///

_only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low_

///

 

A few months later, and Tanaka is okay again.

“ _KANPAI!!_ ” Noya yells, popping open the sparkling grape juice like it’s champagne, much to the horror of Coach Ukai and Takeda-sensei, lingering in the background of the private dining room. The rest of the team lift their glasses in response with cheers of their own, though, so the adults grumble good-naturedly and sit back down. Noya stands with one foot on the table, pouring drinks for everyone with a self-satisfied grin on his face that hasn’t faded since the match ended.

And why shouldn’t it? They were going to Nationals, after all.

“Shouyou, I cannot _believe_ how you evaded Ushiwaka! You really pulled us ahead, sheesh!”

“No way, Noya-san’s receive was the most incredible! You moved so fast, Shiratorizawa got thrown out of their rhythm.”

“Hahaha, maybe! But really, let’s all hear it for Mr. Ace over there! That last point was ridiculous… _three blockers_ …!”

Asahi-san blushes at all the attention and ducks his head, mumbling thanks and complimenting each of the team members in turn. There’s a good aura about Karasuno, one of camaraderie and genuine love for each other. Even Tsukishima looks like he might be fighting down an emotion other than blank neutrality or irritation. There are fist-bumps and shoulder-thumps for everyone, even if the enthusiasm leaves some of the smaller members choking a little on their food. The attitude of bliss and victory puts the team in a state of euphoria not easily tampered down.

Tanaka is pleasantly squished between Noya and Ennoshita, alternating between yelling at his shoulder partners and at people on the other side of the table. Ennoshita gives him a long-suffering but accepting glower, but Noya is right with Tanaka in excitement. Noya drapes his arm loosely over Tanaka’s shoulder and Tanaka returns the favor by looping an arm around his back. They’re flushed with adrenaline and excitement, harassing the first years and causing all kinds of disruptions. Noya steals food from Hinata and Tanaka eggs him on, prompting a minor, friendly scuffle between the two shorties, ending in Kageyama practically strangling Hinata to restrain him while the second-years fall on each other, laughing.

They stay out late that night, eating until they surely can’t fit another mouthful of food in and Yamaguchi is yawning loudly while Yachi naps on Kiyoko-san’s shoulder. The third years calmly call for a wrap-up of the festivities, and the team gathers in sleepy contentedness, bowing deeply to the restaurant host and then their adult sponsors. Coach Ukai shoos them off to bed with threats that he’ll kick their asses if they don’t get some rest from volleyball. (“That includes you Kageyama, Hinata! No volleyball tomorrow, you absolute nutcases.”)

Tanaka and Noya walk home together, their houses in the same direction from the restaurant. Noya manages to snag the remainder of the sparkling grape juice bottle and pretends to be drunk, swinging it around and swaying. He’s still connected at the shoulder to Tanaka, knocking into him and pulling away in a friendly, playful manner, reminding Tanaka of when a cat rubs against his legs. They start up singing a pop song as loudly and off-tune as they can manage, much to the resentment of one of the neighborhood residents, who comes out of his house to yell at them, red in the face.

Noya and Tanaka take off with whoops of laughter, sprinting as hard as they can to ‘safety’, even though the man clearly had no intention of chasing them. They collapse on the ground together, out of breath and gasping for air in between fits of giggles. This is the best Tanaka could have ever asked for—running around after dark with his absolute best friend, causing trouble. _Winning_ with his best friend beside him. Going to Nationals together.

Tanaka lifts his head up to smirk at Noya, sprawled across his stomach, still pink in the face from the physical exertion. Noya opens his eyes, meeting Tanaka’s, and then, he sees it.

That same certain gentleness, reserved only for those most important to Noya, glimmering alongside the lamplight and the distant stars in Noya’s eyes. Noya’s smile is so soft, so precious; he’s looking at Tanaka like there’s no place he’d rather be but _right here_ , panting and sweating after a fit of stupidity and childishness. Noya loves the recklessness, the rush, the fun—but he loves those people who make all of those things a reality and god, Tanaka is so, _so_ fucked.

Because looking at Noya’s secretive smile like this, when he’s warm and _real_ and _there_ , leaning comfortably against Tanaka as if it’s where he belongs, Tanaka can imagine just for a second that it’s all true. That Noya should be with him, touching him, all the time like this. That Noya should smile in this same way every day, run up to Tanaka with those same eyes and ask him about his day and what they should do after practice and their shoulders would brush just so…

It’s not the same as when he looks at Kiyoko-san, because she has always been in a completely different solar system—to be watched but never touched, never truly approached. She’s beautiful and incredible and she makes Tanaka nervous. But Noya has seen him when he cried, when he struggled in school and in volleyball, through all the highs and the lows, not from the sidelines, but from behind him, back to back. Noya _knows_ him, breathes as he does, moves as he would; and when it comes to Noya, Tanaka is really just a satellite orbiting his best friend who is a galaxy all on his own.

Noya has cheered beside him, lost beside him, run beside him, and laughed beside him. Noya is Tanaka’s best friend. Noya’s his best friend and he is so very, very stupid to not have realized what it was like to be in love with someone who has been at his side this whole time.

Tanaka swallows, sure that his smile is wobbling and Noya will know why his heart is beating so fast all of a sudden. But Noya doesn’t; he just closes his eyes and relaxes against Tanaka, so full of trust and honest love for his friend that Tanaka’s heart _aches_.

“I’m glad we became friends, Ryuu,” he admits quietly after a moment. Tanaka allows his hand to drift lower and pat Noya’s head comfortingly.

“Me too, Yuu,” Tanaka replies, equally as soft. “Me too.” He ends up stroking Noya’s hair a little, the libero making pleased noises and snuffling softly, close to sleep. Tanaka just lays his head back down, closing his eyes too and trying to keep his whole world from falling apart.

 

///

_only hate the road when you’re missing home_

///

 

Nishinoya Yuu is in love with Azumane Asahi.

Tanaka knows this. He thinks he’s known it for a while, actually. The blatant refusal to play without the ace, their dual practices during training camp, Noya’s complete and unfaltering belief in Asahi-san…perhaps Tanaka just hadn’t wanted to see that reality. Noya’s devotion to Asahi-san is selfless and given without any thought to whether or not the object of his affections will return it. That’s the problem with Noya—his heart is too damn big, especially for people like Tanaka, with less room in their chests.

But the bigger problem is that Asahi-san really loves Noya, too. He’s tried to play it off, tried to brush off the libero in the past when he quit, but there’s no way that Tanaka and the third-years could miss the pained glances he gave the boy. Asahi-san always wanted to be beside him on the court, always wanted to rely on him. It was obvious in the way that Asahi-san tolerated Noya’s antics and often humored him, showing his affection in the smallest ways that Noya blew out of proportion because he was so damn happy about it—Asahi-san loved him.

That’s why, when Tanaka wanders around the wrong side of the gym and he sees Noya yank Asahi-san down to his level, fitting their mouths together as easy as breathing, Tanaka says nothing, but turns and walks away.

That’s why, when Noya runs up to him, leaping on his shoulders and blabbing loudly about his ‘surprise’, Tanaka can nearly make himself believe the laugh and the boisterous congratulations that he spills out like clockwork.

“Can you believe it, Ryuu? Asahi-san actually said yes! Well, through his hands he did. I think.” Noya suddenly looks a little concerned, and Tanaka elbows him.

“What are you talking about? He’s been smitten over you for ages,” Tanaka manages.

“Really?” Noya’s eyes are Christmas—far too bright and cheerful for any normal human being. “How’d you figure that?”

Tanaka shrugs. “Intuition.”

Noya laughs and slaps his best friend on the back. “Well, he’s such a scaredy-cat, he’d never have said a word if I hadn’t mustered the courage to finally ask him. Thanks, by the way.”

Tanaka blinks in surprise. “For what?”

“Well, you know that one night we were running about like total mad men, after the finals? When we collapsed in that random alley after such wonderful, bat-shit-crazy fun, I had a thought that I wanted to share that with Asahi-san. You and I…we really have such a strong bond, and we can always have fun together and mess around. Asahi-san isn’t like that, you know? He’s shy. I just wanted to make sure he got the chance to feel what we do. That’s what gave me the final push, get me?” Noya shrugs with a laugh. “So, thank you! For being the very best bro a guy could ask for!”

Tanaka doesn’t want to know how sad his smile looks. “Always, Yuu.”

 

///

_only know you love him when you let him go_

///

 

By the time practice is over and everyone has packed up, Noya is fast asleep against a wall, a volleyball tucked firmly in his arms. His face is pinched in concentration, and Tanaka snorts fondly. He never stopped playing, even in sleep.

Walking over to him, Tanaka removed the volleyball from Noya’s arms gently. Noya’s face twisted even further, a half-hearted mumble passing from his lips. Tanaka rolls his eyes, but there’s no irritation in his expression. He leans down, setting the volleyball aside for a moment. Tanaka shakes Noya’s shoulder gently, but Noya swats at him childishly. Amused, Tanaka lifts his hand, debating leaving Noya there for someone to find later—not that there was anyone left in the gym—but then Noya turns his cheek to rest against Tanaka’s hand and he freezes.

This is dangerous. This shouldn’t be allowed.

Tanaka’s fingers twitch, unconsciously settling cleanly against Noya’s face, cupping his cheek. Tanaka swallows thickly, painfully. He strokes his thumb across his best friend’s cheek, heart lurching in sorrow when Noya’s expression breaks into one of happiness at the touch, nose crinkling adorably. Tanaka really can’t resist.

He presses a kiss to Noya’s forehead, just once, to smooth out the wrinkles there. It works like a charm. When he pulls away, Noya is the picture of serenity. Tanaka releases him and stands up slowly, trying to hold himself together. He’s not as successful in that matter.

He doesn’t bawl when he finally breaks. A few tears drip from his eyes, watching Noya sleep so soundly, so contently. Tanaka can’t breathe that easily and he feels about fifty pounds heavier than before, but he’s able to scrub away the evidence with his arm. Tanaka won’t let Noya see him like this, ever. He won’t let anyone see him like this.

When Tanaka turns to leave, he finds himself face-to-face with a very frightened Asahi-san, eyes wide as dinner plates.

Tanaka’s throats definitely seizes up at that because _he saw, he saw, oh god, he saw **everything**_ and what a terrible, terrible thing to do in front of your best friend’s boyfriend. They hold eye contact for a long beat of silence punctuated by a wet sniff from Tanaka, deer-in-the-headlights meets shameful misery. Tanaka decides he might as well be as transparent as possible. Then just maybe, Asahi-san would forgive him.

Tanaka places a trembling hand on Asahi-san’s shoulder, feeling the ace jump at the touch. Clearing his throat, Tanaka manages to murmur: “Take care of him for me.” He chokes a little at the end to his dismay, but there’s no remaining pride in him to feel ashamed. He doesn’t remove his hand until Asahi-san nods, determined. “Good,” Tanaka whispers.

Tanaka leaves the gym in a flurry of movement, but somehow, he feels like he left a chunk of his heart back there, leaning against a wall, peaceful and loved. That’s alright. Half his soul belonged to Noya anyway. Always.

///

_and you let him go_

**_(oh, why did you let him go?)_ **

///


End file.
